RECLINER REPORT!
Stop #2–The Magic Dry Organic Absorbent NHRA Arizona Nationals, Wild Horse Motorsports Park, Phoenix, Arizona
Wild Horse Motorsports Park. Nice. An epic name for all the 10,000-horsepower nitro bucking broncos that made their way to Phoenix for fun and frolic at the second stop on the 2019 NHRA Mello Yello Drag Racing Tour. Making things more interesting on this weekend? The cool weather in the area, which can sometimes drive tuners completely nutso and play havoc with all their efforts to keep these already-finicky machines stuck to the asphalt. And man, the dudes didn’t disappoint, and in this episode of the Recliner Report, we’ll tell ya about all the fun, including two volcanoes, happy cows, and the man in the black hat. Sweet.
We’ve also got some other news. Some of you reading this column are gonna be little unhappy, but don’t throw stuff at us. We just report this insanity. Anyway, on this week’s Fox 1 broadcast, they chose to highlight only the Top Fuel and Funny Car categories, giving the Pro Stock guys and gals their very own show on the Tuesday following the Sunday broadcast. Check your local cable provider for Bat-times and Bat-channels. So, though you won’t be reading about your fave Pro Stockers in this edition of the Report, they should on Fox 1 at a later date. Oh, and thanks for not throwing stuff, dudes…
WHAMMO VS. BLAMMO–Top Fuel. First Round. First Pair. Scott Palmer versus Mike Salinas. At the initial hit of the throttle, it was obvious this day was gonna get weird. Palmer immediately got sideways, then crossed the center line, while Salinas’s ride resembled a grenade as the engine went kablooey not long after leaving. Salinas crossed the finish at a screaming 96 miles per hour, but hey, he got the win.
NOPE. NOT GONNA DO IT…You’ll have to forgive Brittany Force if she decides to skip first-round action two weeks from now at the Gatornationals, ’cause her record of 0-2 in the initial round this season wasn’t exactly what the 2017 champ had in mind. Yep, for the second event in a row Force fell to an NHRA newbie, as Jordan Vandergriff’s first-ever round win, a 3.69, 333-mph effort, sent her back to the trailer. This after falling at Pomona to newcomer Austin Prock has left the former champ not caring much for the word “rookie.”
IT’S ALL GOOD, PEEPS…WE PROMISE–Nope, the sky didn’t come crashing. The sun still came up. The earth continued to rotate perfectly on it’s axis. All’s good in the hood, even though Steve Torrence lost in first-round Top Fuel action to Antron “What Can Brown Do For You” Brown. After qualifying 14th in the category, his lowest since 2013, Torrence’s day was ovah after AB put a whammy on his chances to whisk away another Wally.
YUP, THE KID’S GOT SKILLS–Years ago, the word “rookie” could’ve been defined as “…a first-year participant who doesn’t know a dadgum thing, one who is easy pickins’ for the competition.” No mas, dudes. Today, that definition can be replaced with, “…someone who can beat the dog out of ya, so strap on your big boy boots and get ready to rumble.” Yup, Austin Prock might be a rookie, but dude drives like a wily vet, as he took out Clay Millican in first-round Top Fuel action. This, after defeating Brittany Force at Pomona has Prock squarely dead center on the racing radar. The kid can wheel…
THAT’S LIKE, ONE MORE THAN 99—100. Whether it’s miles per hour, the amount of bucks in your pocket, or the number of Twinkies the Recliner staffers can put away during a Fox 1 NHRA broadcast, the number 100 is a bunch. It’s also the number of times John Force has faced Ron Capps in the NHRA Funny Car boogie-down since 1997, when they first said hello in Dallas. After their initial-round face-off in Phoenix, Force has now won 60 of the matchups, with Capps finishing ahead on 40 occasions.
KINDA WEIRD FACT #1—The last time John Force won Phoenix? 2005. His opponent in the final round? Ron Capps. Oooh…creepy, right? OK, not so creepy, but interesting anyway. Hey, our staffers get scared easy. Wackos…
KA-FREAKING BOOM—OK, here’s a riddle for ya. Two Funny Car drivers face off in first-round action. They leave the line, and moments later, one car explodes, probably setting off every car alarm in a two-mile radius. The boomer even blows off a rear tire, which then happily bounces down the track behind it’s old owner. The other driver? He crosses the finish line with no boom, no fire, no bouncing rear tire. So, who won? Yep, the dude who blowed up his ride. Sure, you’re thinking, “Huh? Wha…?”, but it’s true! How? The driver whose car remained intact crossed the center line before finishing the run, giving Exploding Guy the win! Don’t believe me? Just ask Tommy Johnson, Jr., the guy who found himself hearing weird stuff after enduring a four-wheel fireball in his matchup against Jim Campbell. Though Campbell finished first, he went into Johnson Jr.’s lane before crossing the finish line, giving Johnson Jr. the win. When told he had won, Johnson Jr. probably said, “What? You’re gonna have to yell or somethin’. I got bells in my noggin’!” Oh, and remember the tire? It kept rollin’. Probably halfway to New Mexico by now…
KINDA WEIRD FACT #2—When describing to Amanda Busick what took place at the Top End, Johnson Jr. described the car as, “…an interesting handful.” Dude. The guy sits directly behind a nuclear explosion and has the skills to guide the car to a safe stop. Finally, he walks away on his own power, smiles during the interview and calls the event “…interesting.” Insane. We’ve got folks who lose their cookies if a squirrel runs in front of them while driving down a country road at 30 mph. These guys are amazing…
NERVES? I DON’T HAVE NO STINKIN’ NERVES—Dudes, we’ve got ourselves a rookie invasion in the Top Fuel category, as Jordan Vandergriff definitely let everyone know, “Helloooo, I’m Jordan, and I ain’t here to screw around.” One round after knocking off Brittany Force, Vandergriff spanked Doug Kalitta in Round Dos action. So much for rookie nerves. Dude has no fear.
KINDA WEIRD FACT #3—Where in the heck is Tony Schumacher, and why doesn’t “The Sarge” have a sponsor? Oh, we get it. It’s gotta be his less-than-stellar racing resume’, right? Let’s see: Eight world championships, 84 event wins…yeah, sounds like he’s pretty much a flop behind the wheel. Wait a minute…maybe the Recliner Report could sponsor him! But, we’d have to demand a picture of a Cheeto being dipped into a giant can of bean dip on the side of the car. That would be so epic…
BOOM. AND, BOOM AGAIN—Tommy Johnson, Jr. must’ve been watching a National Geographic special on volcanoes this past week, ’cause his second round Funny Car matchup against J.R. Todd ended in almost identical fashion to his first-round matchup against Jim Campbell. Johnson’s ride went sayonara about halfway down the track after his second sonic boom of the day. However, Todd finished first in good shape to advance to the semis.
WEIRD FACT #4—Following Billy Torrence’s semifinal win over Jordan Vandergriff, we witnessed a figure in jeans, boots, and hat leaving the scene on his way back to the Capco pit area. Nope, Chuck Norris wasn’t in the house, but instead, “Six-Gun Steve” Torrence was moseying his way back to support his dad for the final. Strange seeing the Texan without a firesuit, but in true Torrence style, the cowboy hat was, you got it…black. Epic.
THEY’VE GOT NITRO IN COMMON—Robert Hight’s daughter Autumn is normally a fixture at NHRA events with her dad, but she couldn’t make it to Final Eliminations on Sunday with Pops. However, her excuse was a pretty dang good one, as she was driving her own Junior Dragster at a track closer to her own casa. Get ready peeps. We’ve got ourselves a Vandergriff and Prock making the noize at tracks everywhere, and it sounds like Autumn is on the trail to ridin’ her own rail someday. Just sayin’…
THE HERD GOT THE GOOD WORD—OK, we all remember that Matt Hagan raises cows back on his Virginia farm. Yep, these cows are big, but the staffers all say they’d put money on Hagan if the bovines ever went hoof to toe against their owner. Seriously, Hagan is jacked, and if these cows have any smarts, they’ll listen to the boss. What he says goes, and not following his wishes would be a udderly bad choice. So, after Hagan’s victory over J.R. Todd in Funny Car final, we’re betting it’s gonna be a good week for the herd when bossman gets back to the farm. Maybe they even get some extra grub in the trough ’cause he’s in a great mood bringing Wally back to the mantle at home. Winning an event? Yep, it’s a mooving experience for everyone…
DON’T MESS WITH MY HAT, BRO—Yep, we had ourselves a mini-dogpile following the Billy Torrence victory in the Top Fuel final, as about six crew members went ape on the asphalt in celebration. It didn’t have quite the height of a Kalitta version, but for a smaller crowd, we give ’em a 9.5 for effort. And how about “Six Gun Steve”? Dude was smart and stayed away from the fray, not wanting his hat to be turned into a pizza at the starting line.
Well, there ya have it! Yep, though the broadcast was an hour shorter than normal, the nitro circus crammed more than enough excitement into the Phoenix festivities. We’ll see this bunch at Gainesville in two weeks for the 50th annual version of the Gatornationals, and we’re loading up the snack food table already for that epic fiesta! Remember to watch the second Fox 1 show dedicated exclusively to the Pro Stock folks later this week. So, till the ‘Gators, keep reclinin’!
*RECLINER REPORT UPDATE!!
So, the gang got together to watch the Pro Stocker show on Wednesday that we had recorded on Tuesday night, but instead, we got hosed. Big-time. Why? Instead of the NHRA, half of our one-hour recording was eaten up by a goofy college basketball game that had run long. After one hour, our recording cut off, and we weren’t able to see the last 30 minutes of the show. Stupid game…
Anyway, Jeg Coughlin, Jr. won the category. Did we get to see it? Nope. Stupid game…
Oh well. The staffers got to eat all their fave snacks mid-week, so they were happy.
Anyway, that’s the story of that story.
Well…see ya at the ‘Gators!
